Why Being a Gentleman Matters

We all have a sense of right and wrong. What is unknown is whether or not this sense is innate or learned. It is clear that there are universal standards of behavior that transcend cultures and epochs. These universal principles of virtuous behavior are played out in the stories, myths, heroes and legends of cultures across the globe serving to reinforce an idealized standard of conduct. We, as members of the human race, know in our hearts what is right and what is wrong. In our society there are laws designed to ensure that our citizens adhere to a minimum threshold of acceptable behavior towards others consistent with general societal norms of right behavior. If we violate these laws and are caught and convicted we suffer the consequences as determined by society.

But what about those minor infractions against our inner moral compass that do not violate any laws on the books? What about those negative thoughts of ill will towards others? Or how about those short cuts we take and those selfish actions we initiate? What happens when we are guilty of greed, envy, gluttony, lust and those other deadly sins? Only we are truly aware of the thoughts and behaviors we exhibit that violate our inner sense of right and wrong. Therefore there are no real consequences that follow, right?

Well unfortunately the law of cause and effect is always at work. We have been conditioned throughout our lives to have an idealized image of ourselves and how we should behave. Our idealized image is unique to us. It reflects our individual temperament, our distinct strengths and interests and accentuates the qualities with which we resonate, but it also contains the universal virtuous qualities which are common to all human beings. When we fall far short of our idealized version of ourselves we suffer. When we make conscious decisions that lead us away from where we truly want to be, we become discouraged and hopeless. We are off course.

In choosing to act as gentlemen, we define our ideal and we monitor our progress on a daily basis. We chart a new course towards fulfillment and hope. We learn to deal with the obstacles that have tripped us up in the past. We acknowledge our shortcomings and mistakes. We strive to be better men. We choose to be open and honest. We inspire others and treat everyone with respect. We walk with poise and confidence, knowing we are making the right choices and have nothing to hide. We realize that we will continue to veer off course and will make poor decisions, but we take comfort in knowing that with the proper intentions and support from others we can always get back on track.

Welcome to the Aspiring Gentleman. Over the next months (and possibly years) I plan to lead my readers on a journey of self discovery. A journey I started three years ago from a place of hopelessness and fear. My life was a slow motion train wreck that still is a twisted mess. But the sparks and screeches have subsided, the rescue crews have finished their search for survivors and the engineers are untangling the wreckage.

When the dust settled, I set my sights on becoming the man I wanted to be. The man that was deep inside of me, nurtured and inspired by childhood myths and stories, heroes, leaders, role models, teachers, friends and parents. Somewhere along the way I got lost and fell far short of my ideal. The reality of the chasm between who I saw in the mirror and the hero within, brought me to my knees. Through a lot of hard work and help, I realized I had the power to change. But I also knew I needed to have a vision for who I wanted to be. I searched for role models and created a simple Mission Statement for my life: I am a Gentleman.

Since then I have tried to live my life as a gentleman and a large part of my journey has been to define, for myself, what that really means. Different people may have myriad definitions, but for the most part the idea of a gentleman has overridingly positive connotations. For me the affirmation “I am a Gentleman” neatly sums up a nearly three year search for living a more productive, loving, successful, happy and serene life. Now, I certainly am not the expert of what defines a gentleman nor am I so presumptuous to claim that I am a gentleman. What I can say is that the process of defining for myself the way I choose to think and behave and evaluating my progress on a daily basis has drastically improved my life and the lives of those around me.

My story has played out in many men’s lives in many different ways and for the most part we men don’t typically share our inner most thoughts and feelings. There are so many challenges facing us in today’s world and we don’t always know how to cope in a healthy way. My goal is to create a forum to explore what it means be a gentleman in the 21st century and to seek to provide for men a means to live our lives closer to our self-defined ideals.